Those Pesky Rebellious Neurons

I finally was able to refill my happy pills on Monday evening. And I have taken them 2 days in a row!

Gold star for me!

I used to be pretty terrible with taking my medication on a consistent basis. Probably for at least 10-15 years, I would forget to take them, or skip a weekend day because it is not in my routine. Or I would decide that I am “healthy” enough to stop.

The last time I decided I was healthy enough – I spiraled downwards and sideways and all-the-ways for about 6 months. I got a rude awakening when I ended up in the ER and having to have an emergency gallbladder removal surgery, to realize that I was, in fact, not healthy enough.

I started seeing a behavioral counselor thru my dr’s office that was free (thankfully because I wouldn’t have spent the money on myself, even if I was made to). And I have been pretty religious with taking my happy pills.

I wake up at 420am-ish, I get to work at 5am. I heat up my food. Log in to all of my systems. Put my personal headphone in to my left ear, and place my work headphone over my right.

I swivel my chair to the left, dig thru my purse to find my meds, place them all on the desk.

Usually it is just my 2 happy pill bottles, but due to my busted ankle and teeth pain, I have had to add Tylenol and Advil. Oh and because my sinuses hate me, I have sudephed on hand just in case – but I don’t take them unless I need to. And then there is my once-a-day allergy pill because for some reason, during certain times of the year – I become allergic to the fluid in my eyes….?

And the last pill bottle I have on my table, in an easy to reach position – is my bottle of excedrine migraine. Because I spawn migraines as quick as rabbits, well, as rabbits do their rabbit thing.

But part of switching up my happy med regime, was to try to decrease the amount/intensity of my migraines. And thankfully it has been working. So in reality – I don’t need that pill bottle sitting on my desk, begging to be opened. Because I don’t need it.

And I don’t open it unless I absolutely need to. But I am not ready to ditch that security blanket.

I have worked hard at creating a habit/routine that will remind me to take my meds. I eat breakfast, open the necessary bottles, and set the pills next to my water bottle. Stash the pill bottles back in my purse. And take my meds.

Wow…long detour to saying just how important it is to make taking your mental health medication a routine, a habit, second-nature.

This summer was tough while I was adjusting medication.

I didn’t like who I was during that shift. But I finally found the right mix. And I was heading forward.

This last week without one of the happy pills – I started the week off fine. And then I quickly watched myself degrade mentally. My soul knew I will be fine once I refill my meds. But my brain was having a really hard time listening to my soul.

It wasn’t connecting the dots. Or messages were lost in translation. Wait…the messages played that telephone game we all played when we were kids – and some neuron decided to goof off and change one word, and then the rest of the “rebellious” neurons played along. Until the original message was so distorted, it could be a headline on “The Onion”.

Like there was a barrier between my soul telling my brain that it is OK if I want to be happy. That everything will be OK if I decide to have motivation.

But those rebellious neurons changed those messages from “Be Happy” to “Why be happy….there is no reason”; and “Pep in my step” to “why do anything…life is pointless”.

And that all happened in the span of a week…….for me.

I finally refilled my meds Monday evening, and was able to take them again Tuesday morning.

And let me just tell you – I felt the fog immediately lift. Ok. Well not immediately. The barrier receded. The “rebellious” neurons recognized they were out of line.

I felt free. Finally.

I paid close attention this time, and I was amazed at the difference. Tuesday evening felt considerably different than Monday evening.

I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I have people that love me. I have people that are important to me, that I love.

I can feel the pep in my step slowly returning. In my non busted ankle…heh. The other one is a little slower to catch up.

I can feel the skies part and the sun’s rays shinning. Even though it is October in the PNW and the rays are cold instead of hot…..we shall survive in hoodies and beanies and full body parkas…..

I can feel my eagerness to finally get back to cleaning up around the house and doing my chores.

But most importantly, I can feel my excitement and happiness rise as I can finally be fully present in the pride and joy that is my kiddos. They are my world. And I will always be there to cheer them on. Even if I am not always there for myself.

Last week, E accomplished something so major that I wanted to write all about. Even though I was so excited and happy for her, I had no internal motivation or desire to write.

Until now. Because those pesky rebellious neurons, are ready to celebrate once again!

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