You only get one

You only get one. One moment. One Lifetime. This moment. This lifetime.

And if there is an afterlife, well I don’t know if there is. There could be. Afterlife is a different belief to different people.

But this moment, this life – is here, right now, in front of us. We are experiencing these seconds whiz by, the laughs, the heartaches, the stressors, the joys. We are experiencing this adventure right now.

And I don’t know about you – but I want to enjoy this adventure, and many others, as much as I possibly can. I want to cry tears of joy mixed with tears of sadness. I want to experience great heights. And I want to visit deep valleys – but just for a minute. I want to laugh so hard my sides ache. I want to watch the stars pass above me as I am laying still.

I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to make sure my kids get to experience all that life has to offer.

But I cannot do that while I am on the current path I am on. This path, it has a dead end. It stops before it can explore as many adventures as possible.

Trust me. I almost died a couple months ago purely because of this current path I am on. But thankfully, I just made a slight rest stop at the Dead End Ahead sign. So I turned right instead.

Right down a dark and winding road. A road without warning signs. But a road full of roadside attractions just begging to be seen.

I am not healthy. At all. I am sick. I have 152 lbs to loose. I am currently at 304lbs. (311.7 on 5.30.18)

This body is not fit for the life I so desperately want to experience. It makes me angry because I cannot keep up with my kids. It makes me sad because my kids are learning from my behaviors. It makes me disappointed because I know I have the willpower somewhere down deep that I just cannot tap. It makes me frightened, because this body could expire tomorrow due to my current ill health. And what would people remember me for?

I want to experience all the experiences.

One of the major rest stops on the dark and winding road, is a tourist trap challenge – nutrition. I have chosen the hardest challenge – a new healthy lifestyle. Not a diet. Not a fad. Not a drug.

I am slowly becoming healthy from the deepest parts of my soul on out. I am not letting fear hold me back. I am re-discovering the bravery and the courage that I buried deep a long time ago. This time, failure will not be such a scary force that it causes me to believe I will fail anyways, so why truly start at 100% effort?

I have tried the fads:

  • Take Shape for Life – results were fantastic. Pre packaged meals sucked. Oh but I did get pregnant with our first after the 2nd month on this fad.
  • HcG – results were amazing. Extremely limited food options sucked. While I did stick this one out awhile, I would never have been able to eat that strict menu on a forever basis. Gained it all back quicker than a lightning bug.
  • Positive Hypnosis – I think this worked…at least it did when I could find 30 minute 2-3 times a day to basically take a nap. Yeah that was not going to be sustainable.

I have tried the diets:

  • Paleo – the husband hated it. And this is when I realized I needed to make changes that the whole family can thrive with.
  • Whole 30 – I did this a couple times but health issues got in the way. But I realize now that a diet with banned foods…I can’t live my life that way.
  • Weight Watchers – yeah I barely lasted a month doing this. I couldn’t tell you why it didnt work. It just didnt. Oh maybe because it was so expensive.

And I have failed, epically, at all of the above (there may have been a couple more that I cannot remember at the moment).

Now, when I start getting in the groove, finding my motivational rhythm, in regards to exercise….I can soar. But its finding that umph to get my engine started that I have a hard time finding.

So why now?

After a lot of self reflection and internal debates, I have come to the conclusion that I need to put on my oxygen mask first for change (and hopefully not feel too guilty about it).

For the past week, since I have decided that this is my next adventure, my newest journey, I have been connecting the dots between my past, trying to figure out what exactly went wrong with each program. I then compared my past self – to my new, updated self that I have been uncovering and re-discovering over the past couple of years.

And finally, I looked at how I can leverage my strengths to help bolster my weaknesses. The goal is to realize where I will fail – and create a solution ahead of time. The goal is not to avoid my weaknesses. The goal is to acknowledge those weaknesses and help strengthen them.

For instance, I need to have a schedule I adhere to in terms of exercising, what meals and when, to-do list, etc. If I forget to do the weekly meal plan in the past – I have decided to just say screw it and wing it. Which ultimately generates more stress and then I feel like giving up, so I do. Therefore, this time around – I am making it a point to spend a few minutes everyday to work on my schedule and my routine. I have to get to a point where I do not even have to thank about my schedule because it becomes so routine – Or I will drive myself crazy.

Furthermore – all of the past diets I attempted – something had to be cut out and/or banned, or added tenfold (3 naps a day anyone?). And I have come to realize that I fail at those programs because I over stress on what I am not allowed to eat, so I make it a huge deal and hyper focus on that. .Then it is not “fun”. Eating right becomes more of one of those chores that we all put off until the very end – like putting away clean laundry.

But the biggest weakness I have – is that I have grown up with food as a symbol of family, of love, of connection, of happiness, of sadness. In the past, if I am required to cut out foods, then my brain tells me that there is no need for me to participate in said meal function, which fuels my depression, which lights my will to give up. And then as the wick burns out, I fail.

So. With all of those things in mind – I have started the 2B Mindset nutrition program thru BeachBody. After years of yo-yo dieting, or even 3 years of doing absolutely NOTHING to become healthy (the 3 years ended 5.30.18 btw), I am finally realizing who I am, my strengths, my weaknesses.

I know what I need. I need to have a planned routine. I need to have guidelines. I need to not feel left out of family meals. I need to not stress on what I can or cannot have. I need to be able to stay within a budget. I need to be able to take shortcuts when I can and not feel guilty. I need to make my life easier, not harder. My brain is already in overdrive.

2B Mindset – gives me all of that. It gives me the real world that I desperately need to learn how to live in. The real world that does not control me.

I need 2B ready for all of lifes adventures.

I need to live here. In the real world. My kids are here. In the real world.

With this one moment. This one life – that we have.

Nutrition, if done incorrectly – can be a downward spiraling obsession.

Nutrition, if done correctly – can be the fuel for exploring all of life’s adventures.

And that is how I am going to look at it. I am going to weigh myself not because it is required with 2B. But I am going to weigh myself bc I like numbers. I like seeing progress. The small wins keep me motivated. And that is what I need. At least until the routine kicks in and this all becomes second nature.

I just need to make it to that point. And then I know, the adventures will be limitless.

We only have this one life. And if we refuel with the proper fuel – this one life will be our anchor in the storms for many, many years to come.

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