Surgery left me breathless

Two weeks ago, I had an insane life changing event happen. Something so major that I felt like I may have witnessed my entire life flash before my eyes.

I had to have emergency gallbladder removal surgery. I woke up at 2am, thinking I may not make it thru the end of the day. In a weird sense…I was calmly at peace and tried to enjoy every last moment in a surreal manner.

Fast forward to post surgery and they told me I stopped breathing on the operating table. And they had to stand me up to get me breathing again.

The moment I heard that….my inner soul shook. Not sure if any of you felt that major Earthquake. But I sure did. My soul knew I had to make some real life changes. I could have passed away on that operating table.

I never said goodbye to my children. I put them to bed the night before. Would they ever recover?

I never said a final I Love You More, or a Goodnight Handsome Daddy, I love you – to my husband. How would he cope without a wife, and now the sole parent to 2 kiddos that are high maintenance with their super powers?

My life currently operates at warp speed. And I chronically fail to remember to put my own oxygen mask on first. I get up at 315am and I go to bed probably around 10pm. Sometimes later. But my life is in a constant state of – what triggers do I need to be in front of today? Which kid needs to go to what appointment today? What specialists do I need to get ahold of today? Or what therapies do I need to try today? Or what judgments do I need to be prepared for today?

Now let me be clear…my husband is amazing. He is my rock. He does so much. But because of my schedule, I am the one that takes most of the responsibilities of the kiddo and housework. He does his part. And I love him more and more every day.

Moving on. It is never, or very rarely (more rare than the mythical Unicorn) – do I step back and realize that I am a Super Mom. I am FIERCE. I am AMAZING.

I am WORTHY

So I have been using these past 2 weeks that I have been forced to stay home from work, to refocus, to step back, to slow down. I have literally been forced to reexamine my life and just throw out the “T” (T in our house means timeout, der!). It is so easy to forget about us parents when our kids have such demanding Super Powers.

Now that I have been cleared by the doctor, and have gotten my results. I now feel like I am ready for this new adventure. Challenge Accepted, as Barney (from HIMYM) would say.

You see, for the past 4 years or so, I have slowly been taking things out of my diet because I thought I was developing an allergy to them. My stomach was not liking certain things I ate and I ended up vomiting or popping pepto the entire next day. It started with any and all milk products. And then Eggs. and then Corn. And then just about anything I ate. I just got so sick.

I had NO idea that it was my gallbladder that was being attacked and trying to tell me it needed help. I didn’t listen to my body. Instead, it was easier to pop pepto and keep on going because I was more worried about making sure my son didn’t have a meltdown in aisle 5 because of the noise; or was making sure my daughter was learning something in school because her focus skills were non-existent.

So here we are. I slept the first week. Wait, scratch that. I went to my sons IEP meeting about 5 hours after I broke out of the hospital (No way in the world would I reschedule that appointment. And I probably would have sucked up the pain had it been on Wednesday just so I could attend it). But I went up to WA (4hr drive on way) to watch my daughter compete in her TKD competition 2 days post surgery. And I don’t regret any moment of that weekend. But I took that weekend to really live in the moment. To really be with my family.

Because I could have died. I almost died.

My whole perspective and meaning about life has changed. I live every moment now with no regrets. I want to make as many memories with my kids as humanly possible. I am not letting fear hold me back.

This second week of leave, I have been more focused on my photography than I ever have. I am not letting fear rule my life. I have focused on this blog – my personal diary where I hope to show others that we, as humans, are not alone in our suffering. I have focused on my photography and have had quite a few inner dialogues and am now at more peace with where I want to go. I have never felt more resolved to head that way. And I have become re-energized with my children’s needs.

I haven’t focused on the health aspect of it yet….but I have wrote out my daily schedule to find out where I can fit in a workout. And THAT alone my friends…is progress. Before this surgery….I would have said there is just no time. But I finally sat down. And forced myself to find the time.

Because I could have died. I almost died. I was left breathless. And the seas were reaching unprecedented, epic storm levels. I was not prepared.

But my kids, my family, my resolve, my worthiness as a Super Mom….is my anchor as our lives move at warp speed straight thru the eye of the storm.

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